The Most Powerful Sorcerer in the World
by Smenzer
Summary: Voldemort has a nightmare after eating. His dream involves the cemetary scene from GOF and the cursed Aztec gold from Pirates of the Caribbean. Funny oneshot. Only Potter characters.


Title: The Most Powerful Sorcerer in the World

Author: Smenzer

Rating: PG

Archive: Yes, please. If you want to put this on a web page please let me know.

Teaser: Voldemort has a nightmare after eating too much before bed. Part humor, part horror.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to JK Rowling. This is just for fun. No money is being made.

Author's Note: This is a slight crossover with _Pirates of the Caribbean_ – although no characters from that movie are involved, just the curse itself. This will probably be a one-shot. It roughly takes place shortly after the end of "Goblet of Fire".

"Wormtail!" Voldemort cried loudly from where he rested upon his stuffed chair in his father's old house. The Dark Lord was furious that the Potter boy had bested him, again. But more importantly, he was hungry. The nighttime activities in the cemetery had tired him out and now his stomach rumbled loudly. He had just acquired his new body and already it was demanding food. "Wormtail, where are you?"

"I'm here, Master!" Wormtail scurried into the room and bowed fearfully in front of the Dark Lord. The plump man wrung his hands together nervously, his silver hand glistening in the firelight.

"I'm hungry!" Voldemort informed his loyal servant. "Go get me some food, some real food! I'm tired of drinking snake milk. And all those long years, living in the body of small snakes, eating mice and insects… no more! No, now that I have a proper body again I will eat all my favorite foods once again."

"Yes, Master." Wormtail nodded respectfully.

"You will bring me hamburgers, ice cream, dill pickles, pepperoni pizza with olives, cold ginger ale, mince pie, beef jerky, bubble and squeak, sauerkraut, powder donuts…."

Wormtail's eyes bulged out in fear as he listened to the long list coming from his Master's mouth. "Master…"

"What?" Voldemort shot an annoyed look at his servant, his eyes cold and full of hate, his slit-like nostrils flaring.

"Master," Wormtail bowed extremely low and glanced up fearfully. "Many of those foods don't mix…."

"I don't care!" Voldemort cried loudly as he slammed a fist onto the chair's padded arm. "I'm the most powerful sorcerer in the world! I can eat anything I want!"

"Yes, Master." Wormtail scraped low and ran off to go get the desired food. A short time later he returned and gave Voldemort his requested dinner. The Dark Lord hungrily gobbled it all down and then stood, one hand on his stomach.

"I'm going to bed now, Wormtail. Clean up these dishes!"

"Yes, Master!"

Time passed and the Dark Lord fell into an uneasy sleep. His eyes moved under their lids as he began to dream.

Voldemort glanced around and saw he was in the cemetery again, his wand clutched tightly in his hand. He was in the duel with Potter, the boy cowering behind a tombstone. His loyal Death Eaters all stood behind him, just as it should be. The air was dank and the sky filled with dark clouds. The Dark Lord's confidence grew and he knew he would win. The boy was a coward! Voldemort grinned evilly and took a step forward. "Stop hiding, boy! Come out and face me. I'll make the end quick for you!"

Harry stepped out into the open, defiance glowing bright in his green eyes. He stood straight and pointed his wand directly at the Dark Lord's heart. "You'll never win, Voldemort! Good will always triumph over evil! When will you ever learn? You keep trying to kill me over and over and you never do! You'll never win because you're incompetent!"

"How dare you!" Voldemort hissed, shocked at the boy's nerve. "I'll kill you for that, boy!"

"I'm not scared of you, Voldemort!" Harry replied, confidence in his voice.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Voldemort cried as the Death Curse left his bone-like wand and flew across the empty space at Harry, the brilliant green curse striking him on his chest. The joy of triumph flowed through the Dark Lord and he waited excitedly for the boy's dead body to crash to the cemetery ground. But moment after moment ticked by and the boy was still standing!

Harry shook his head sadly; his dark bangs almost in his eyes. "Incompetent as usual…."

"No! It can't be!" Voldemort cried, aghast at his failure. "You're supposed to be dead!"

"When are you going to learn?" Harry asked the Dark Lord as he started to come closer. "You can't kill me. You'll never be able to kill me! And like a fool, you keep coming back and trying!"

Desperate, Voldemort pointed his wand at Harry again. "_Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!_"

Harry just glared at the Dark Lord, as his body seemed to absorb the Death Curses. "So, what are you going to do after you kill me? I'm curious…"

"Nooooooo!" Voldemort screamed in rage. "You're supposed to be dead!"

The clouds in the sky parted and moonlight steamed down into the cemetery. It fell on the Boy That Lived and his soft skin decayed before the Dark Lord's startled eyes. His arms transformed into bones, as did the rest of his body; even his black Hogwarts robe took on a more tattered appearance. A shiny gold coin danced between his finger bones, the cursed Aztec gold shining in the moonlight. With a flick of his finger bones, the coin disappeared within his robes, safe and secure. Seeing the look of utter horror on Voldemort's face, Harry threw back his head and laughed. His dark hair was more tattered then ever, as was suiting for a corpse.

"Aahhhhhhh!" Voldemort shrieked, one hand clutching his chest.

"Voldemort," Harry said as he walked closer, his bony hands reaching for the Dark Lord. "You can't kill something that's already dead…"

"Noooooo!" Voldemort shrieked again. Whirling around, he reached out for his most loyal Death Eater. "Lucius, _do something_!"

Lucius reached for Voldemort with skeleton hands, his long pale hair glowing in the moonlight. His teeth appeared longer than ever as his lips were gone, only bits of decaying skin sticking to his cheekbones. The Death Eater laughed. The other skeletal Death Eaters joined in, laughing at Voldemort.

Voldemort stumbled backward and fell, tripping over a hunk of broken tombstone. His wand fell from numb fingers and he quickly scrambled to his feet.

"I'm afraid your Death Eaters are _mine_." Harry stated. "Seems they follow who has more power and I'm afraid that's me. Admit it, Voldemort. You're only second rate…"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Voldemort shrieked and promptly fell out of bed, his body tangled in the damp sheets. He lay gasping on the floor for a moment, his eyes flickering all around his dark bedroom. He was sure at any moment skeletal hands would reach for him…

Hands from the grave…

"Master?" Wormtail poked his head into Voldemort's bedroom. "Are you awake, Master? Lucius Malfoy is here to see you…."

"Aahhhhhhh!" Voldemort tore free of the sheets and promptly threw himself into the nearby closet, slamming the door. Crouching, he cowered against the closet's far wall in fear.

Wormtail shook his head, knowing he'd have to create an excuse to tell the Pureblood. "I told him not to eat that stuff…"

Seems even the most powerful sorcerer in the world can't do what he wants.


End file.
